Monday, July 19, 2010

It's about time!

I have finally had enough of being fat! There. I said it!
I started on hCG injections one week ago and I'm down ten pounds! Yippeeeeee!
I'm thrilled about that. Just a nice even 100 to go. When I think about how I let myself get to this point, I really have no idea how I let myself get so fat! It has really gotten in the way of me living my life. I've avoided contact with old friends because I was ashamed of how big I'd let myself become. I corresponded with one of my oldest friends and she sent a current picture of herself... in a bikini! She certainly didn't look anywhere near fifty. I should have written back to her telling her how great she looked; instead I kept silent and didn't respond at all.

I know what my weight gain triggers have been, but I thought I had dealt with them long ago. I suppose I hadn't completely.

Back when I began working at age 17, sexual harassment was part of having a job. It happened at every job (I would leave after six months) and I was too timid to speak up. I thought it was my fault. So for every job where it happened, I'd put on about five pounds. The actual harassment stopped many years ago, but the shame and feelings of being violated live on.

About five years ago, I was certain that I had it all dealt with. I had started Weight Watchers and was doing great - I losing weight and feeling good about myself. I used to help write and edit a monthly newletter for a friend. After moving to Midland, two hours away, I would drive up, we'd work all day, I'd spend the night, finish the next day and drive home to label and stamp them.

One night, she had a late pedicure appointment. I didn't give a second thought to being alone in the house with her husband... but I should have. He came on to me, asked if he could kiss me, I said "NO!" but he did anyway. I was so shocked and repulsed by this ugly old pervert AND at the same time all those old feelings came back. Somehow I felt it must be my fault. I went in my room and barricaded the door until her return. When I told her, she had a completely blank look of disbelief. I got the impression that this wasn't the first time she had heard this and it probably wouldn't be the last.

To add insult to injury I didn't tell my sweet Rakey right away. At the time, he was not doing well and I didn't want to add to his burden. When I finally told him, he was wonderful, of course! He knew that I was blameless and reminded me that when I'd first met my friends' husband, I had told Rakey that he gave me the creeps and "I don't ever want to be alone around that man." Hmmm. I wish I had remembered that when I needed to!

Well wish me luck!